Grieving and Dreaming

I googled the definition of death. It basically said that death is the end of a life. I looked up some synonyms, because the word sounded too harsh to me whenever I brought it up in a conversation or a text message. One of the synonyms was "end". So death is the end of a journey. It is the end of everything. It ends the heart's beats, the lungs' breaths, and the eyes' sight. Death takes the human's soul and leaves the body vacant. It is the end.

If we believe that death will end our relationships with our loved ones, then we are wrong. Death ends the first journey of their lives, and it leaves us with memories. Our loved ones shall always live within our souls. We have to see what they couldn't see. We have to hear what they couldn't hear. We have to laugh and enjoy life to the fullest, because they would definitely want us to behave this way.

It is okay to feel melancholy. There is nothing wrong with being sad over the death of a person who means the world to us. A wise person once described this journey to me as a roller coaster that I need to allow myself to live with it. Experiencing grieve and getting through it is not easy. Grieve rips the heart. It sucks up all the tears in the eyes drying them to the extent that it's hard to cry again. It rips the body to pieces leaving it lost to pull itself back together. It drives the thoughts crazy transitioning the person between complete anger and sudden happiness. It makes the body so emotionally tired that even ten hours of sleep are not enough anymore. It brings up nightmares that wake the person up with complete fears. Grieve hurts, but "pain demands to be felt".

I am not worried about the future of this roller coaster as long as I, myself, realize that I need to give myself time to heal. I need to understand that this situation is very disgusting and crappy, but it is okay, because I will be okay. I need to believe in God's written destiny and find the light at the end of my tunnel.

A good day is on its way. Better days will come. Happier memories will be created. Positiveness will be spread. I am young, and I have grown with strength during this year. I will make my life work, because I know that this is what my parents want. I will not be myself's worst enemy. I will be the Razan who will succeed and accomplish what is on her mind by the power of dreaming.

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التوأم

كانت الساعة ٣:٥٠ فجراً بالتوقيت الشرقي لأمريكا. صحيت على رسالة من صديقتي تذكرني بموعدي الساعة الرابعة (اي أنه كان بعد عشر دقائق) لمقابلة بعض الطالبات اونلاين من خلال مكالمة سكايب للحديث عن تجربتي في الأمم المتحدة. كان الجو بارداً جداً، و الضباب يغطي الجبال التي عادةً ما أراها من نافذتي. اخذت وقتي و ببطء أعددت كوب القهوة الصباحية، و حتى لا أزعج زميلتي اليابانية في الغرفة، خرجت بهدوء للصالة. بين كوب القهوة السوداء الحار الذي انسكب هنا و هناك، و بين حملي للابتوب و الشاحن و الهاتف، جلست على الكنبة الخضراء الجديدة و فتحت حسابي في سكايب إستعداداً لهذا اللقاء الذي حدث قبل حوالي سنة، و حقاً لم أعلم حينها أنني كنت على وشك مقابلة أحد أكثر الشخصيات تميزاً (و حرفياً و فعلياً) تشابهاً في حياتي. قابلتهم بالصدفة من خلال ذاك اللقاء. من بين عشرات الطالبات الآتي شاركن في النقاش في تلك المكالمة، كان هناك شيءٌ مختلف لاحظته في هذا التوأم. اتذكر إنبهاري بهم و إعجابي بهذه الشخصية الرائعة التي إنقسمت بين شخصين بالتساوي. دائماً ما نقابل أناسٌ ننبهر من عقولهم و تفكيرهم منذ اللقاء الأول، و لكن هذه كان...

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