"Don't, my dear"

First day of Eid Al-Fitr was like no other.  It all started with the same things that I've grown up to know. The excitement on the night prior to Eid.  The new clothes that are all ironed and ready to be worn for the first time. The sweets that are moved from the kitchen into the living room for the guests and family members who shall arrive early in the morning. The big basket of fruits that are recently bought from the store. The phone calls buzzing from every mobile to greet family about the arrival of Eid. My hair which was straightened to give myself a new look for the big day. My new perfume. My new shoes. My new earrings. And my new soul which may have changed during a year abroad seeking for world understanding through exchanging cultures. 

Eid is much more than that. To me, Eid is a spirit that is felt from one heart to another.  It is a love that sparkles in the eyes. Eid will always carry memories of each previous year. We celebrate this day to appreciate Allah's many graces on us. We live it to thank the Almighty for being alive in such a wonderful life between a loving family. We enjoy it to remember once more that mankind can forget about everything in a second, but then actually live for the moment's joy in the next second. 

The call of the Eid prayer. The people rushing to pray together with happiness. The spirit of the Eid literally surrounds everything, because everything we look at would make us feel this great celebration of the year. I smelled the scent of the traditional Oud in the house and got ready for this festive day. I put on my new teal colored dress which matched perfectly my gold heels. I put on makeup and used my new lipstick. I wore my new earrings. Then I fixed my hair. I couldn't sleep last night, so I simply hoped that I would survive the day without a cranky mood. I went downstairs to the living room and was already seeing the sun's reflection through the windows.  I smiled, because, this is my 18th Eid. 18 years of the exact joy and happiness filling my heart. 18 years of family surrounding me with love. 18 years with memories that shall be remembered forever. I hugged my cousins as I saw them already waiting for my sisters and I in the living room. Then I went to greet and wish my mother and aunts a happy Eid.

Something was different though. Something felt odd this time. It wasn't my headache, no, no, it was something else. It wasn't my leg that ached from the lack of sleep. It wasn't my red-ish eyes. It was my heart. Something, right there was wrong. As I hugged and greeted everyone, some of them started to cry. I didn't reach the quick realization of the reason of their tears on this happy day. "Okay, I got it now" I told myself. It was my father. I searched for his figure between their tears and couldn't find him. I looked for him in my uncle's eyes, my uncle, his oldest brother, his friend. I searched for my father and he was nowhere to be found.  Then, more cousins came to visit our house and their warm greetings were coming from the same aspect.  Was it that they haven't seen me during his funeral and looked for him within me since I'm the last one who saw him?  Or was it me, not looking for comfort in their tears as much as looking for him within their souls?

That is why, this Eid is like no other. "Pain demands to be felt." But you know what?  I am trying to make the effort of living and being happy for him. It works. He's always here. That is why I could not grasp the sadness today, because I was embracing the presence of his soul between our bodies which had minds that drifted away thinking about many things. My body and my mind were some what on the same page, because my father would state by his wise words "Don't, my dear, if you're gonna cry, then there's no point of doing (whatever we'd be doing).". That's how I knew him, and that's how I shall remember him. Eid is a celebration of all of our lives to me. Let's smile and enjoy. Let's remember those whom we've lost and keep them alive through doing the good in their memories. Let's simply embrace the present with open hearts and positive minds, because this is Eid, and this is our day to be thankful and happy. 

Eid Mubarak to all of my family and friends. 

Eid Mubarak to all of my Muslim sisters and brothers out there.

May my father and all of our loved ones rest in peace as we will always remember them.